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RJS Feb Column - No title yet

Deadline 02-28-2025

Artists tend to piss me off. It’s nothing personal, just an envy thing. You have to have a lot of special talents to be a successful artist. But I would suggest that of all of the special traits, you need to be able to have your eyes see that something you want to draw or paint and then it has to go into your brain, out of your brain past the shoulders down your arm into your hand down to your fingers and those fingers have to guide a brush, pencil, charcoal or myriad other drawing utensils and when it hits the paper or the canvas, it needs to look damned near perfectly like what your eyes picked up. I don’t know precisely what to call the process, but it is as foreign to me as quantum physics. And believe me I am no scientist… mad or otherwise. Now, I know a fair amount of artists. Big ones. I mean they all have been involved with drawing for books and magazines. The books and magazines that have always been the most important to me. You don’t hear of their pieces hanging in museums. Which is fine. That shit doesn’t impress me anyway. No, their work appears on the covers of monster magazines and books. And with me being a super geek, that’s exactly where I want them to be.

If Famous Monsters Of Filmland Magazine had an O.G. artist, it was Basil Gogos. I loved the guy. He was so friendly and engaging each time we met at a show and he was freaking funny. I don’t know how many saw that particular side of him, but I saw it plenty of times and I never tired of it. Like I said, he was the O. G.

Everyone else I know came after Basil and respected the hell out of him.

I’ve known Bill Selby the longest of the artists I know. He is very much a brother to me. And when I went to San Franscisco, I got to see his amazing house. That was a magical day, considering I was starting to think I’d never meet him. It was about five hours of pure joy and if I died tomorrow I’d be a happy man just from knowing him. He did me a great honor a few months later but I can’t discuss that right now. Soon. But not now.

Right up there with Bill is Mark Maddox. When I see him, thankfully more than once per year, I always have such fun. He’s what my grandparents would have called a “cut up”. Odd little phrase but if you know Mark, it fits perfectly. When I’m at a con and I see him, that ridiculously wide smile I have on my face is completely legit. I’m always so damned glad to see him.

Frank Dietz is probably best known as a caricaturist to some of the greatest stars in the history of horror (and so much more.) He drew my column’s banner when I wrote for Famous Monsters Of Filmland. So, I already know your next question. If he’s the caricaturist of the incredibly famous horror stars of the past 103 years, what in the blue fuck was he doing drawing the likes of you? Well, kids, that one will have to wait. I have limited space here. And much like Steven Tyler, you don’t want to miss a thing.

I have known Kerry Gammill for ages, courtesy of The Classic Horror Film Board and we’ve met in person a few times. I have always been impressed with his work. Never as much as a Famous Monsters cover with Bela as the Sayer of the law from the Island Of Lost Souls. I still see that glorious cover right in front of me, if I close my eyes… or better yet, when I look at my FMOF collection.

Last but certainly not least, a gentleman whom I finally got around to meeting about two years ago, Neil D Vokes. Neil’s work is absolutely stunning. I never tire of looking at it. These are just a few friends whose work borders on perfection.

I will never know how they do it. That talent completely escapes me. But it also never ceases to amaze me.

Till next time, Adios! I’m a ghost!

Cale's HC for Feb.

Deadline: 2-28-2025

The Faculty (1998)

By Cale Patterson aka Married2Horror

As of late, the 14 year old has been getting into creative writing and lore crafting. She mentions an idea about a sea dwelling leviathan changeling, and my mind immediately goes to The Faculty. I tell her it’s from the 90s and then go to put it on. Apparently, she’s not a fan of that horror era because she bellyaches and complains and ugggggghs until it starts.

The Plot:

A group of students believe their high school is going through a hostile takeover of the “Close Encounters” kind. Do they have what it takes to save humanity, or will they flunk out?

I watched The Faculty pre-Ricky (haha!) and absolutely love all of the character development and quirky relationships shown throughout. There’s a gaggle of up and coming actors in this film, with more than a handful giving great performances. The witty dialog and visual elements are reminiscent of Rodriguez’s signature style and preceding movie, From Dusk Till Dawn. Which I highly recommend if you’re feeling brave and can handle a couple buckets full of gore. There’s a tabletop dancing hottie who’s also in The Faculty... just saying.

The Faculty is loosely based on The Body Snatchers by Jack Finney, and in my opinion, is the best cinematic telling of his novel. Rodriguez’s take has the deeper horror themes of losing individualism and freedom of choice, and is well done, but with a clearly 90s twist. I’d say the CGI held up pretty well, especially since it’s mixed with practical effects (that ending facial trauma SFX is forever my most favorite and hated.) The film has its flaws (minor ones), but by the end of it, my teenager was happy she saw it. And anything that can get her off of her device is a win in my book, so check out The Faculty. Afterward, if you’re ready for harder hitting horror, then check out all versions of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers in order of release.

Rick's Jan Column

Deadline 2/24/2025

Division Of Shape

A Film Fury

by Rick Patterson

October 22, 1988

Your humble writer is 16 years old and walking out of Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers. My Mom had given us a choice at the local Alameda, two screen theater. We could see Die Hard, which had opened during the summer, and we still hadn’t seen. Or the return of one of my favorite masked killers. The choice was clear. Bruce Willis and his battle with euro-trash terrorists would have to wait. And Return did not disappoint. The mask was wonky. But Myers was back, Loomis was back. And it was the first time I had ever been able to hear the iconic Halloween theme through Dolby Surround speakers. As we left the theater, the images of the previous 90 minutes raced through my mind. Myers with no mask, resembling the invisible man, with his face wrapped in bandages. Loomis in full on Cassandra mode, warning the people of Haddonfield once more about the horrors that await. Cops do it better. Kathleen Kinmont in that t-shirt! Oh my. And the heartbreaking transformation of young Jamie Strode into her own Shape. Halloween was back. It can’t get any better than this.

October 14, 1989

Barely a year later I’m walking out of Halloween 5: The Revenge Of Michael Myers. I had dragged my high school buddy to see Michael’s… ummm... revenge? No real vengeance per se. I found a new crush in the form of Wendy Kaplan for sure. That mask was, well, a choice. It still gives me echoes of Nicholas Cage. My beloved Sam Loomis was back at least. It can’t get any worse than this. Right?

September 30, 1995

I’m walking out of Halloween 6: The Curse Of Michael Myers with my little brother. And all I can think of is that maybe Revenge wasn’t that bad.

August 5, 1998

I’m sitting in the theater long after the credits have ended on H20: Halloween - 20 Years Later. Easily the most ridiculous title in film history. This will be it. Myers can rest in peace. No one will harm you any longer Michael. Right?

December 15, 2002

The VHS tape of Halloween: Resurrection is on automatic rewind in the VCR. Busta Rhymes using karate too… fuck this.

2007 AND 2009

Ok, no lie. I sort of love Rob Zombie’s Halloween and Halloween II. Get your own column.

A third in the Zombie timeline never materializes. And I’m fine with it. Myers can rest. We have the Carpenter original and its fine sequel. Part 4 and 5 bringing up the rear. And many questionable journeys with rappers and future stars like Paul Rudd. Even its reimagining at the hands of a rock star. We’re good. No more Mikey. Right?

February 9, 2017

I’m not a writer. Well, I am, sort of. I did have my piece in Mondo Cult Magazine - it was called Television Horrors and revolved around the finest "made for TV" terror. But I had failed to realize my destiny as a word slinger. And with mounting custody issues with my ex over my son, I had fully entered the dark side of heating and air as an occupation. It was my day off and I’m doing my usual posting on Facebook where I spout my present state of mind when it came to film and such. Then Blumhouse made the announcement. The word had hit the street that Jason Blum has scored the deal to make a new Halloween movie. I wasn’t terribly excited about the prospect. Star Wars had returned with questionable results. But Blum had produced The Purge, which I enjoyed quite a bit. That, coupled with the fact that podcaster Ryan Turek had been hired by Blum for his horror division, gave me hope. I had listened to Turek and he gave a "one of us" vibe. Surely, he would help handpick a horror director worthy of this endeavor. Right? Maybe bring back John Carpenter. That would be it! In fact, Carpenter was going to be part of the announcement. Makes perfect sense.

Then I saw the first entry. Was it the current filmmakers of the genre? Benson and Moorehead, coming off their own universe of horror with The Spring. Adam Green who had regained street cred with Digging Up The Marrow. Kevin Kolsch and Dennis Widmyer, another directing team who hit the scene hard with Starry Eyes. Not even close. The new creators of Halloween would be David Gordon Green and Danny McBride. Not a horror team. The creators of Pineapple Express. And John Carpenter himself made the call.

Why? Why in the ever-loving fuck would you do this? The forums were afire with theories, hopes, dreams and fears. Many, if not most, were shockingly okay with it. It left me aghast. Even angry. How could you not see the issue with this? I went into keyboard warrior mode on the book of faces. My pushback was met with everything and anything but agreement.

It’s just a movie you know.

You’re taking this too seriously.

Like the Rob Zombie movies were any better.

Lots of comedy guys direct horror you know.

It can’t be any worse than Part 5!

If you told me I was going to ferociously defend the likes of Revenge back in ’95, I would have slapped you silly. But I did. Shit, I even sided with the lovers of H20. And the Resurrection fans. Sorry guys. I kept throwing posts between five different Halloween forums. Then a DM came through. It was Turek. Ryan Turek. One of the new film’s producers. The guy. One of us. I friended him on Facebook years earlier. The message was short. Simple.

I’ve been reading your posts. I get it. You’re passionate. But give it a chance, dude. I was hoping that maybe he just went along with the decision to keep face. I get it. Who's gonna tell John Carpenter it’s a bad idea? Or the studio that hired you? He was a company man as they say.

And Green and McBride made their Halloween. They couldn’t even come up with their own damn title. I walked out of the theater with my son and my best friend who were on cloud nine. They loved it. I hated it. From the Laurie Strode trauma show (done better by Zombie in Part 2) to the fiery finale. Even Carpenter’s cries of "Michael Myers is finally dead," fell on deaf ears. We got an entire trilogy of Green/McBride films. Each one was worse than the one before. And I watched my horror peeps scream the praises of each one... only to ultimately admit the failures they were. They’ve come and gone, like the turkey in the corn. But the day is coming. The threat of a new Halloween, even the prospect of a TV series brewing. (That's right. We'll all be sitting through a Halloween TV series with Hulu commercials as extra bonuses. What joy!)

I’m like a variation of Dr. Loomis in Return as he begged Michael to not continue his reign of terror..

Please. Don’t make him go back to Haddonfield. Please, Hollywood. Leave our Michael Myers alone.

See you in Pittsburgh!

Rick's Jan Column

good to go

When The Dead Broke My Heart

A Film Fury by Rick Patterson

It’s hard to stay in love with the dead. No, not in the real world. I love everyone I lose. I mean, in our beloved world of film, it’s hard to stay in love with THE DEAD! Not zombies in the traditional Haitian voodoo sense of the word. You know? The decomposed bodies of the recently dead who have come to life craving human flesh. The American zombie (later borrowed by every country) from the imagination of one George A. Romero. Starting with Night Of The Living Dead, then Dawn Of The Dead, and finally ending his trilogy with Day Of The Dead... That trilogy. Romero would bring us more, and sadly, contributed to my toxic relationship with the zombie genre. After Day Of The Dead and Return Of The Living Dead in 1985, it was a reasonable thought process that we had been presented the peak of the American zombie. I mean, really, how could it be any better at that point? Dead Heat, a film I adore, is a funny/action zombie flick but with no devouring of flesh. Return Of The Living Dead II is like an afterschool special version of ROTLD. The original ghoul of NOTLD, Bill Hinzman, even took a stab at the genre with Flesheater, but it was as dead as a zombie itself. But then, Night Of The Living Dead, the remake, was unleashed in 1990. Directed with all of the confidence and style of Romero in the original, the film failed to touch base with the horror community and failed at the box office. Shocking, considering 14 years later the Zack Snyder directed Dawn Of The Dead, another hot bed of contention among fans, would gross over $100 million at the box office. For every Return of The Living Dead 3, we had Children Of The Living Dead. Worse, Night Of The Living Dead: 30th Anniversary, a version of the film with new scenes to explain “why” the dead are returning. The two latter films were spearheaded by co-creator of the original NOTLD, John Russo. Even Romero’s return to the genre, Land Of The Dead, was problematic. Seemingly the first chapter of a new Dead series, was more a bridge to another Dead trilogy, which started with Diary Of The Dead. The new trilogy was made up of Diary, Survival Of The Dead and the scripted, but never filmed, Twilight Of The Dead. You can’t make a Romero zombie flick in Canada and not feel like something is missing. The other thing missing? Heart. And I don’t mean that ironically. The original Romero trilogy created a world where you could relate to and care about the characters you could feel for. Identify with. This is also true with his villains, especially looking back through the lens of a post COVID and politically turbulent world, where we saw this type of evil far too much. And I missed these rich, complex characters. Then, a comic book brought the American zombie back. I had never read The Walking Dead. Completely under my radar. I had stopped reading comics before the new millennium. And the last undead comic I had read, Dead World, which was optioned by George Clooney at one point, was back in 1991. But on October 31st, 2010, anyone who hadn’t heard of The Walking Dead, certainly would over the next few months. Based on the comic series by Robert Kirkman, the AMC version was developed by cinematic maestro Frank Darabont. And like his Stephen King adaptations, Darabont could see the diamond at the core of the mostly doom laden comic. The six episode first season pulled us into a world of Romero inspired horror. The world of Deputy Rick Grimes, who after being shot in the line of duty, awakens in a world of the dead. Heartbreaking moments of loved ones having to sacrifice one another. Characters we grew to care about, wretched away. It was great drama. It was meaningful horror. I loved the zombie once more. And so did everyone, not just horror fans. In Season Two, sadly, Darabont walked away. AMC wanted too much control of the storytelling, and the immediate rewards of the popular series was not trickling down to the lead creatives. With a new lead producer, the show went on. It went in directions that, Darabont hinted later, would have been a different road. But Season Two thrilled regardless. The true heart of the show for me was, and still is, Andrew Lincoln. Rick Grimes, like David Duchovny on The X-Files, was a character Lincoln was meant to play. The farm setting of Season Two brought us new characters, while bonds of the existing cast grew stronger. And the losses of key characters were emotionally bombarding. Spoiler here. Sophia. Jesus, I am still crushed on re-watches. TWD stayed strong with me. Season Three brought us The Governor, played by David Morrissey. Fans of the comic had issues with this version of the character. But I felt it was an excellent, complex performance. I dug his Elvis swagger. The entire viewership wept as Lori sacrificed her life for little Judith. Her final words to Carl: “You’re going to be fine. You are gonna beat this world.” And the relationship changed. The kinks in TWD armor started to show. AMC and its desire to wring out all it could from the series was evident. Outside of the t-shirts, toys and damn near everything you could throw a zombie on, a “universe” began to form. Spinoffs like Fear The Walking Dead, World Beyond and Tales Of The Walking Dead had hard starts and even slower stops. While introducing Negan to TWD, the ultimate big bad, it left the show with its heart lacking. Then Carl? They killed Carl! This culminated in Andrew Lincoln’s departure during Season Nine. His last episodes, though brilliantly acted, left the series depending on its other characters. Without Rick at the core, it seemed aimless. Killing Carl was a tragic mistake. Carl could have given us the presence of his father. So sorely needed. I tried watching the last two seasons but to no avail. Too many characters I had no investment in. Too many seemed to be designed for personal identity and politics, losing sight of the story. The original run of TWD ended with a whimper, although I did cheer when Rick and Michonne were revealed once more. Then we have more spinoffs. Daryl Dixon. I never thought he would be so boring. To the point they had to bring Carol into Season Two. Dead City? It is. But Rick and Michonne have brought me around. The Ones Who Live, created by Danai Gurira and Andrew Lincoln, is far from perfect. Way too much talking at points. But those good moments are fucking good! It reminds me of why I love TWD. The creatives behind TWD forgot the basics. The law book of Romero’s world of the dead, and TWD initially, were WE ARE THE WALKING DEAD. No matter the sex, creed or age. We are ALL in the fucking boat. And what did Apocalypse Now teach us?

"Never get out of the boat". Absolutely goddamn right!

See you in Pittsburgh!

NEW BEAL 1-21-2025

good to go

HALLOWEEN ZOMBIES

by Nicholas Beal

Halloween, the franchise, not the holiday, can be broken down into three stages.

The first stage is the original run, which consists of 1978’s Halloween through 2002’s Halloween Resurrection.

The final stage, Halloween 2018 through Halloween Ends, is a trilogy that I don’t have a lot of love for. If you guys have the hots for this trio, then there’s nothing much I can do for you.

But there is an underappreciated middle stage. It’s the smallest of the stages, consisting of only two movies: 2007’s Halloween and 2009’s Halloween 2, both written, produced and directed by Musician/Filmmaker Rob Zombie. Rob Zombie’s Halloween is a big hit at the Beal abode. To be honest, I never saw it at the theater and I've been regretting it ever since. I just wasn’t expecting too much from it, so I waited for it to show up on DVD. The only real plus to DVD is that it was released in a few different versions to the home video market, which made Clarissa and me quite happy. You see, Clarissa enjoys watching Halloween movies in the altogether, in bed and anytime I can make that happen, I’m all in... literally and figuratively.

But back to the movie.

Zombie’s Halloween boasts a stellar cast of both A List actors and brilliant character actors. There isn’t a dud in the bunch. How’s this for a Murderer’s Row of acting talent?

Malcolm McDowell, Brad Dourif, Tyler Mane, William Forsythe, Udo Kier, Sheri Moon Zombie, Clint Howard, Danielle Harris, Danny Trejo, Sid Haig, Lew Temple, Tom Towles, Bill Moseley… The list goes on and on. Like I said, not one freakin’ dud.

I think the thing that initially attracted me to this version of Halloween is the general surroundings of Rob Zombie’s Haddonfield. Not everyone had a perfect upbringing. I certainly got the short end of the stick when it came to my childhood. Mine was not the 50’s sitcom world I watched every week on the old Admiral TV in the living room. It was steeped in reality, not the make-believe fucking planet where Wally and “The Beav” grew up. In fact, RZ’s Haddonfield is much more my hometown than any movie town I had seen up till then. And I have seen a shit-ton of movies throughout my life, mostly due to my various incarcerations over the years. So, I was not a stranger to the world that McDowell’s Dr Loomis found himself thrust into. He might have been a bit shocked, initially. I, on the other hand, was not. And there was another major difference between John Carpenter’s Haddonfield and Rob Zombie’s; in Zombie’s world there really aren’t any truly good guys. I mean, yeah, Sheriff Brackett appears to be fairly law abiding. But dive deeper… Does he really look and act like a good guy or does he hit you as someone who’s putting in their time till retirement and that’s just about it. The performance rings true, because he’s just about every lawman I’ve ever run across. And I’ve also seen my fair share of in-it-for-the-fame pop psychologists and McDowell’s Dr. Loomis is one of those assholes, if I’ve ever seen one. Honestly, it’s tough to find someone who’s genuinely likeable in Rob Zombie’s little town.

Add to all of this, the formidable Michael Myers. This guy isn’t wearing any off-the-rack Ross Dress For Less clothing. This Michael Myers steals his clothes from the Big & Tall Shoppe. He is one gigantic hombre. In fact, I’d be willing to bet if you took all of the actors who played Michael in the first stage of the series, Tyler Mane’s Michael Myers could still womp the creamy nougat center out of all of them, at the same time.

Now, I realize I’ve been singing Rob Zombie’s praises for the past 600 or so words. But if I’m being completely honest, and I’m almost always completely honest, I think Zombie’s followup, Halloween 2, is a bit of a mess. As far as I’m concerned, its only saving grace is that Clarissa loves what Sheri Moon Zombie’s character morphs into in the sequel. Story wise I’m not really on board but if it gets Clarissa all dewy, I’m willing to put up with some less-than-stellar exposition, every now and then. But I usually put Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 in the Maybe column. Hey, if you like it, I’m not going to fault you. If you think it doesn’t live up to Halloween, I’m right there with you.

Now if you’ll excuse me, Clarissa needs some attention paid to her and I’m just the guy to wish her a Happy Halloween.

Later.

New Horror Curiosa 1/19/25

A Quiet Place (2018)

By Cale Patterson aka Married2Horror

Sound is pleasurable. Sound is life. Sound is everything it needs to be, until it isn’t. The bass is thumping through my entire body at this club, and I’m here on a weeknight... because everyone wants me to be, even though I’m the recluse in my circle of peeps (a reserved demeanor one could say.) And not to be confused with being a downer, they like my subtle yet unending positivity. I’m the sunshine friend. But fast forward some decades later while watching A Quiet Place, on the edge of my seat and thinking “my loud ass tribe would not survive this.”

The Plot:

A family with children, the oldest of whom is hearing disabled, attempts to overcome tragedy. This is all while enduring in an apocalyptic situation where sound sensitive monsters relentlessly hunt and extinguish all life as we know it.

I had the immense luck of watching this movie before knowing the director was John Krasinski (Jim from The Office). So hear me out (hehehe). This guy knows his stuff! Krasinski cast himself and his wife, Emily Blunt, as the parents. So we know the grown folks are solid (it’s award winning actor Emily Blunt for Pete’s sake), but good gravy, those kids' performances can’t be undersold! Tension is the name of this game and he does a great job balancing the powerful drama, and the intense dread of being hunted by frightening “you’re in the jaws of a great white, its teeth crashing down on you” creatures. If you can afford Industrial Light and Magic, you get Industrial Light and Magic because their CGI expertise goes a long way in making the monsters believably vicious and deadly. The use (or absence) of a film score is an excellent choice that heightens the immersion experience. It makes you realize how noisy you and your loved ones are (hell, your own thoughts can be deafening sometimes) when you’re forced to be silent or die.

Shout out to the stair sequence, you evil thing you! I’ll admit A Quiet Place is intermediate horror, so watch during the day amongst companions, but thankfully you can be as loud as you want (though I highly doubt you’ll make a peep.)

New RJS Column 1/18/25 Posted on site

PLAYING FOR KEEPS

By Richard J. Schellbach

I don’t want to say I’m old, but my birth certificate is a cave drawing.

That’s A-OK though. It really is. I mean, sure, there are downsides. I’m not a betting man, but I think it’s safe to say I have less time left on this side of the ground than on the B side. But at 68, with my love of horror firmly anchored in my respect of Cinema Oscuro, I have a few more things to accomplish professionally before my closing credits roll.

As many of you know, my company, Richard J. Schellbach's MonsterKid Central, and Rick Patterson’s company, Film Fury Entertainment, are involved in a joint venture podcast, cleverly named MonsterKid Fury. (See what we did there?) And being the responsible boss that I am, I’ve pretty much left the day to day running of the podcast, the producing of the podcast, the editing of the podcast, the list goes on and on… to others. And by others, I mean primarily Cale Patterson, our Jill of all trades. That said, I did leave one thing for me to do, that I now regret on a daily basis.

Which is where our story begins… Finally after over 200 words. (Long-winded much???)

In around the fourth grade, I was given a choice at school, either learn a musical instrument or – actually that was it. Not really much of a choice. So, I instantly chose drums. After all, they were the oldest instruments on the planet and any moron could hit a drum with a stick. Shortly, I discovered that pretty much every student came to the same conclusion and signed up for drums. So, I was given the choice of learning the trumpet or – actually that was it. Again, not really much of a choice.

Now I’m not much of a braggart, except when it comes to my writing, but I have to say, I picked up the trumpet rather quickly. The only problem is, I didn’t like the instrument very much because in the British Invasion era, it wasn’t very cool. The following school year, the same problem arose.

What instrument should Rich play?

Now, over the summer, I had been tested and determined to be “Musically Gifted” with a 154 IQ. (BTW, I was retested as an adult and I had only lost two points, down to 152.) So, the music teacher and I began looking for a new instrument, because I was basically refusing to pick up the trumpet again. We went through four or five alternate instruments. I took each of them home, learned just enough about them to know I didn’t enjoy playing them.

So, I quit.

And that would have been it, if not for the fact that I can’t seem to be anywhere near instruments without trying to learn how to play them. In a nutshell, that’s the reason I live in a home that contains two guitar amps, a Les Paul guitar, various electronic drum kits (I don’t have the room for a full drum set.) all matter of microphones and two Roland synthesizers. Toss in a good windchime and I can pretty much do Tubular Bells.

Early on with the podcast, I knew I wanted to do my own theme music. I enjoy the writing process, so why not? When I mentioned that I was doing my own theme, Rick sort of hinted around that he’d like to hear the type of style I would bring to his solo podcast efforts. So, I told him that I’d see what I could come up with. Then I was listening to the beginning of our MonsterKid Fury podcast and although I like what we have now, I must admit that I’m kind of curious whether… well, you know.

Now, I fully realize that I brought these projects on myself. Trust me, if I was flexible enough, I’d kick my own sorry ass. But since both of my knees will need replacing in the not-too-distant future, I’ll have to leave the ass-kicking to others.

Now, being an optimist, I can see a scenario where I have an absolute blast writing, playing and recording each of the three themes and I end up thrilled beyond words that I decided to take on this herculean task. That said, I can also see a scenario where I rue the day I ever gave this plan the official okie dokie and I march into the woods, pour honey on my body and wait for the ants to eat me down to bones... and I’m never heard from again.

And right about now, it’s a toss-up.

Stay tuned!

Till next time, Adios! I’m a ghost!

NEW MELISSA Good To Go

Echoes of Wisdom: A Triumphant Evolution for The Legend of Zelda Series

As a long-time fan of The Legend of Zelda series, each new installment brings with it the thrill of revisiting Hyrule and embarking on yet another grand adventure. When Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom was announced, it instantly jumped to the top of my “must-play” list and for good reason. The twist this time? Players assume the role of Princess Zelda, stepping out of her traditional damsel-in-distress role and into the forefront as the protagonist. Although I was a little bummed about the absence of her Sheik alter ego, the game quickly dispelled my doubts. Echoes of Wisdom is not just a worthy addition to the series but a refreshing evolution that exceeded my expectations.

The story kicks off in classic Zelda fashion: Ganon reemerges, abducts Princess Zelda, and sets the stage for Link to swoop in and save the day. But the narrative takes a sharp turn early on. After Zelda is rescued, it is Link who finds himself captured and pulled into a mysterious dimensional rift. Left without her usual savior, Zelda must rise to the occasion and take charge of the mission to rescue Link and restore balance to Hyrule.

This setup flips the series' traditional script on its head. By placing Zelda in the spotlight, Echoes of Wisdom gives fans an opportunity to experience the kingdom through her perspective. It’s a clever narrative device that breathes new life into the series while maintaining the familiar themes of courage, wisdom, and power.

At the heart of Echoes of Wisdom is Zelda’s ability to create “echoes” — magical imitations of objects and enemies she encounters in Hyrule. Assisted by her floating companion, Tri, this mechanic forms the backbone of gameplay and sets Zelda’s adventure apart from Link’s traditional sword-and-shield exploits.

Here’s a breakdown of the echo system:

● Monster Echoes: Defeating an enemy allows Zelda to create an echo of that monster, which can then fight alongside her in future encounters. Each monster has unique abilities, with the Lynel echo being the strongest and most versatile ally.

● Object Echoes: Zelda can create echoes of inanimate objects like boxes, furniture, or trampolines, which are often key to solving puzzles or reaching hidden areas.

● Bed Echoes: Surprisingly versatile, bed echoes can restore Zelda’s health when she jumps into them. They can also be stacked to form makeshift stairs or bridges, making them indispensable in platforming challenges.

The echo system encourages experimentation, and the game rewards creativity. Learning what each echo can do often leads to surprising solutions for puzzles or unique combat strategies. This mechanic is an innovative addition that feels distinctly tailored to Zelda’s role, balancing combat, exploration, and puzzle-solving in a way that keeps the gameplay engaging and varied.

Hyrule in Echoes of Wisdom is as expansive and enchanting as ever. The game retains the open-world design introduced in Breath of the Wild, allowing players to freely explore lush forests, towering mountains, and forgotten ruins. However, there’s a distinct shift in tone with Zelda at the helm. The narrative places a greater emphasis on uncovering the lore of Hyrule, and many of the game’s side quests delve into her connection to the kingdom and its people.

The new areas introduced in the rift dimension are visually stunning and mechanically inventive. These zones feel like a surreal blend of traditional Hyrule and otherworldly dreamscapes, filled with gravity-defying puzzles and distorted architecture. The developers clearly poured their hearts into creating an experience that feels both familiar and fresh.

Zelda’s promotion to the protagonist brings with it a deeper exploration of her character. No longer confined to cutscenes, players get to see her grow from a hesitant royal into a confident hero. Her interactions with other characters, from loyal allies to reluctant foes, reveal new facets of her personality, making her more relatable and inspiring than ever before.

The game’s puzzles and dungeons strike a satisfying balance between challenge and accessibility. While veterans of the series might breeze through some of the simpler puzzles, the later dungeons and optional challenges are sure to test even the most seasoned players.

For completists, there’s plenty to do beyond the main quest. Collectibles include fragments of stars and stamps, as well as powerful heart fragments that upgrade Zelda’s abilities. There are also quest items that you receive upon completing a quest.

Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom is a bold and triumphant entry in the franchise, proving that Princess Zelda is more than capable of carrying an adventure on her own. The game takes the series’ beloved formula and innovates in meaningful ways, delivering a narrative and gameplay experience that feels both nostalgic and groundbreaking.

Whether you’re a longtime fan or a newcomer to the series, Echoes of Wisdom is a must-play. It’s a celebration of everything that makes The Legend of Zelda great, while also charting a new path forward. For me, it’s a shining reminder of why this series continues to hold a special place in the hearts of gamers worldwide.

Rating: 9.5/10

NEW HORROR CURIOSA 12/10/2024

UP ON SITE

Woman of the Hour

By Cale Patterson aka Married2Horror

Being married to horror is something I joke about, because in actuality, my husband has been the most supportive and loving person. And not only to me, but to our three tenacious, talented, and awe-inspiring children. So, it’s finally happened... our youngest has taken up the mantle of vetting movies with her father, for me. They had a double feature one evening, APARTMENT 7A and WOMAN OF THE HOUR. We might circle back around to APARTMENT 7A someday, but I wanna discuss the standout, WOMAN OF THE HOUR.

The Plot:

Set in the 70s, a struggling actress takes a gig on the popular tv show “The Dating Game” and there just happens to be a serial killer among the bachelors.

This is Anna Kendrick’s directorial debut and WHAT a debut it is! She knocks it out of the park on casting across the board. When I’ve seen pictures of serial killers, I always ask myself “How do these people con others into feeling safe?”, but to see it in action - the charisma dripping off the killer is terrifying and the fear of the victims is heartbreaking, which only happens because the performances are perfectly executed. Kendrick’s direction is confident, and one scene in particular has the intensity of John Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN, while another has the depravity of THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE. Mind you, I’ve never seen TCSM in its entirety, but the ferocity and violence in WOMAN OF THE HOUR mirrors the snippets I’ve encountered. Also, did I mention this was based on a true story? Do what we did and watch the movie, then do a ridonkulous amount of research to compare and contrast during discussions. You won’t be disappointed!

NEW RJS COLUMN

Deadline: 12-11-2024

'Twas The Night Of The Living Dead

by Richard J. Schellbach

(With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

'Twas the night before Christmas as I lay in bed,
Not a creature was stirring…except for the dead.

Some old boards were nailed over windows, with care,
In hopes that no flesh-eaters could get through there.

My wife in her nightshirt and me in my britches
Had just settled in, with our thirty-aught sixes.

The children were terrified under their beds;
They just kept repeating, "Dad, aim for their heads."

'Cause out on the lawn we had been hearing moaning,
The screams of the innocent and occasional groaning.

So away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore off an old board and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to zombies below.

Then what through my Remington scope should appear
But a rotted old sleigh and eight undead reindeer.

With a red-suited driver whom I, instantly,

Determined was Santa… or, he used to be.

As the reindeer flew towards me I raised up my gun
And squeezing the trigger, I shot at each one--

Shot Dasher! Whacked Dancer! Hit Prancer and Vixen!
Popped Comet! Plugged Cupid! Capped Donder and Blitzen!

From my 'lectrified fence to my ten-foot-high wall,
I blew away, blew away, blew away all!

But more dead folks appeared as the others lay slain.
They gathered together and forward they came!

Then up to the front porch to start the attack,
With dead zombie Santa at the head of the pack.

And mere minutes later, that bastard Kris Kringle
Climbed up on the lattice and clawed each roof shingle.

As I quickly reloaded and went whipping around,
Down the chimney dead Santa Claus came with a bound.

He was dressed all in red, from his head to his feet,
And his clothes were all bloody from victims he'd eat.

The bag that had carried toys and candy canes,
Instead was all filled up with human remains.

His eyes - like white marbles! His throat was just hissing!
His cheeks were all hollow; his nose, it was missing!

The beard on his chin was all matted with blood,
And his left ear fell off - hit the floor with a thud.

He had pink flesh hanging from between his teeth.
And the flies all encircled his head like a wreath.

He was fetid and bloated, a rancid old lout.
And I screamed when I saw him, and almost passed out.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Gave me to know I'd soon join the undead.

He clawed at my stomach, then went straight to his work.
He grabbed my intestines, then gave them a jerk.

And after he fed, he threw open the door
And let in some zombies - 'bout 60 or more.

As they fed on my entrails and drained me of life,
I saw them devour my kids and my wife.

And the last thing I heard were these words Santa said:
"Merry Christmas to all… in the land of the dead!"

A New Beal For November - Good To Go

THE DOWN AND DIRTY

I was having a deep discussion with the guy who owns this site and was shocked to learn that we actually agree on something. (And no, it is not his belief that he pays me what I’m worth.) We were talking about Hammer Frankenstein flicks, and he mentioned that his favorite was the final one, Frankenstein And The Monster From Hell. Well, will wonders never cease to exist? That’s my favorite too. And the second he mentioned that he’d be doing his column on that very subject, I knew I needed to beat him to it. You know… Knock him down a peg. After all, the clown thinks I’m getting paid what I’m worth? He could up my salary tenfold, and I’d still make him hand over his wallet at knifepoint.

Hammer movies, especially of the horror variety, are beautiful to behold. They boast brilliant colors, have snappy dialog and have tons of the red stuff all over the place. In fact they look like Mama’s stovetop after she’s finished building the Sunday gravy for the linguini. But anyone who knows me knows that I don’t go the regular route very often. And while I have a warm spot for all of the Hammer Frankenstein movies, hands down, my favorite is Frankenstein And The Monster From Hell. Take a deep inhale when the movie starts. It takes place in an insane asylum and it just reeks of rancid meat. Dr. Frankenstein is a horrible mess. His brain still desires to create life from death but his hands and overall health betray him at every turn. Fortunately for Baron Frankenstein, Simon Helder, a young Doctor who admires the good Doctor’s work, arrives as an inmate and, almost instantly, the Baron is impressed by Helder's talents (which include crimes of ‘sorcery’ and body-snatching) Together they work on the design for a new creature. Unknown to Helder, Baron Frankenstein is acquiring body parts by murdering his patients. A practice which is frowned upon, even within the walls of an asylum. This is a dirty little film in both look and theme. And you can bet the farm that your old pal Beal will go with dirty all the live long day! (Speaking of dirty, Savanah is on the way over and I haven’t seen her for about two months, due to my unintentional vaycay, so I’ve got to wrap this up.)

The Monster From Hell is about as aptly named as any one of Frankenstein’s creations and I’m talking about on both sides of the pond. This is more a beast than any monster past and present. The Beast is played by David Prowse – it’s the second time he played the monster in a Hammer Frankenstein movie. The first time was in The Horror Of Frankenstein and the less I say about that little slice of feces, the better.

This one is directed by Terence Fisher, who I don’t think was capable of making a bad flick, if he had a gun to his groin. He will always be one of my absolute favorite Directors.

One more thing, if you think you know what "down and dirty" truly means, just wait till you see how Baron Frankenstein clamps one of the monster’s veins, considering his hands are useless. Trust me, you’ll mess your pantaloons during that scene.

Well, there’s the doorbell. Time for me to send this one off to HQ, grease up the pole for Savanah and truly celebrate hump day the right way.

I have a feeling David Prowse isn’t the only creature that’s going to be brought back from the dead tonight, if you catch my drift.

Later.

New Horror Curiosa - Good To Go

Army Of Darkness (1992)

By Cale Patterson aka Married2Horror

Let me take you back to somewhere in the mid to late 80s, where little me is watching a movie I have no business watching... The Evil Dead. To my recollection, the house we lived in, on Guam, was almost like a museum in that everything seemed made of stone. The walls were a vast sea of cool to the touch, white painted concrete, and our living room had a sizable television recessed high up in that blank, bumpy, cold walling.

One night, I was sitting alone on the patterned couch, and the table lamp at my side was flooding the living room with bright light, leaving no shadows. Looking up and feeling small, I realized the tv was on. I can’t tell you why I don’t remember any of the horrific scenes that preceded this one, but…

There’s a twisted hag of a lady with milky white eyes peeking out from under a clumsily locked trap door in the floor. I clamp my eyes shut, but it’s no use. I can still see her! What’s worse is that she can totally crawl through the gap of that stupid door.

Now I’m not advocating for watching The Evil Dead, because... aw, hell naw. What I am saying though is that Army Of Darkness (technically Evil Dead 3) is definitely Horror Curiosa worthy because it’s slapstick, action horror. And because, Ash. Wins. Costume. Contests. He’s a lovable scamp, and Bruce Campbell in the blue torn shirt and a chainsaw for a hand is a winner for a reason.

The Plot:

Ash and some buddies (including his girlfriend) vacation at a cabin in the woods. Demonic forces called Deadites are awakened and proceed to infect everyone for world domination. Only Ash seems equipped and foolhardy enough to resist them, until he gets jettisoned to the past. Can he find a way to defeat this necrotic evil and return home to his time?

Do yourself a favor and Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart. Yes, there is over the top gore, and some tinges of body horror, but the comedy will see you through. Go watch Army Of Darkness, and after your hundredth viewing, and some foolhardy notions, maybe try The Evil Dead.

Rick's November column - Good To Go

A Horror Trinity or They Come In Threes

A Film Fury

by Rick Patterson

They come in threes. It is a term that has become associated with loss over the decades, especially in the entertainment industry or cult of personality. You never hear about how good things come in threes. “Dude, I won the lottery, found I have new kid on the way and made contact with one of my best friends from high school, all in the same week!” The “threes” we're used to is losing the likes of John Amos, Kris Kristofferson and James Earl Jones within weeks of each other. It’s completely antithetical to the term’s origins, which comes from the Latin phrase: Omne trium perfectum. Translated, everything in threes is perfect. Death in threes can’t be seen as perfection and not in horror films either.

Not to sound like a cranky old man, because I ain’t that old, but here it goes; I kind of hate it when fans of my most loved genre don’t realize perfection when they see it. This isn’t about yours truly being better than you. But somehow three films I thoroughly love were so misunderstood they were unrealized as the classics they are for over thirty years in some cases. The DNA of these films are the number three. They are all the third in a series of films that were box office and critical successes. So, let’s discuss Jaws 3, Leprechaun 3 and Amityville 3-D! “I kill me!” As good old ALF used to say.

And away we go!

1982

War in the Falklands! Canada gains independence from the United Kingdom! Recession continues through the US economy. And Michael Myers returns… on the television in a bar where Tom Atkins is confronted by the ultra-sexy daughter of a murdered toy reseller. Yes, Halloween III: Season Of The Witch.

John Carpenter didn’t want to do a third in the series. But Halloween II grossed over $25 million and Universal demanded a third. Science fiction writer Nigel Kneale was hired to pen. Now, there are some reports that Joe Dante was set to direct and he brought in Kneale. But Carpenter has never mentioned Dante’s involvement and claims to have hired Kneale due to his love for the Martin Quatermass films. Tommy Lee Wallace, who had turned down part 2, was brought on to direct and ultimately rewrite the script. The first time I saw part three I fell in love with it. From the high tech (80s) opening credits with a digital Jack O’ Lantern to the synthesized score by Carpenter and Alan Howarth to the villainous Conal Cochran monologuing his plans to our hero. Yes, this wasn’t the first two films. It wasn’t Michael Myers, dispatching teens, with Dr. Loomis in pursuit. But it was still a fucking ride. Wallace was as close as you could get to the style of Carpenter in terms of visuals, which he would later carry onto the underrated Fright Night Part II. And much like the style of Carpenter, we were left with a dark ambiguous ending. I watched this as a kid on HBO and was haunted for days with Atkins final scream of “Stop it!”. And stop the series did. Much to the chagrin of those who claimed it to be a failure, Halloween III grossed over $14 million on a budget of $4 million. You can argue about how a title change would have given viewers a different opinion of the film. But why? The film is still a quality production.

1985

Japan launches its first deep space probe! Ronald Reagan is sworn in for a second term as President! “We Are The World” is released as a charity single! And the dead walk…again in Day Of The Dead! George A. Romero returned to his series that started with Night Of The Living Dead.

Originally conceived as a $7 million dollar epic described as “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” with zombies, the film’s final budget suffered to allow for an unrated release. What didn’t suffer, was the film we were blessed with. Once again, I fucking loved this movie from the first viewing. It is exactly what you want from a good sequel. New locations, new characters. Yes, Dawn Of The Dead is so close to my heart. But Day holds that place as well. Sarah, Logan, Rhodes and Bub all beautifully crafted characters. Though claustrophobic, the set pieces are huge. The gore from master Tom Savini elevates to new levels that aren’t even touched today. John Harrison’s score is so opposite of Goblin in Dawn that it’s easily welcomed. It was even used in the third season of Stranger Things in a rather emotional scene. I’ve talked to “fans” over the years shitting on it. A rather well-known horror producer (of special features) even admitted to hating the film, before years later “loving it”. Wasn’t there enough to love from the beginning? Lori Cardille’s epic performance that stands with the likes of Ripley in Aliens? Day Of The Dead did make over $34 million. Some got it.

1990

The Gulf War begins! The Soviet Union falls! The human genome project begins! It’s A Wonderful Life (as misspelled by the killer) in The Exorcist Part III.

After the train wreck of Exorcist II: The Heretic left the series dead in the water, author William Peter Blatty published his own direct sequel as Legion (a failed pitch for the second film years earlier) to great success. For the film version Blatty was given director approval, even approaching John Carpenter to helm, before taking it on himself as his second directorial effort. I saw this in the theater. It was one of the finest viewings of a film I have ever had. Blatty had me, this 17 year old kid, pulled in. George C. Scott gives a performance that horror films don’t get enough of. He’s charismatic, charming, funny and at moments heartbreaking. Blatty’s direction command of the image stands with the masters of the genre. Critics and fans judged the film, unfairly, along side of the William Friedkin original. Now, it’s been reassessed. They see Scott and his fucking brilliance. The hallway jump scare is seen on multiple lists of most terrifying moments in horror history.

So, why? Why do so few get it the first time out with these films in particular? It’s as if they’ve been waiting for a sticker for finally “getting it”? I find there are two types of horror fans. The ones who get a taste of it and never let go. They watch it all. Devour with a passion. Then you get the ones who say things like “yeah, I stopped watching horror films for a few years”. Years?!?! I could never do that. To quote Detective Kinderman, “It’s..not..in the file!”.

I think more genre films are going to fall to the wayside, just to be re-discovered years from now. Films like The Battery and After Midnight are an example. To the new age of horror fan. Put your cell down and get it the first time. You’re missing out.

See you in Pittsburgh!

Kathy - Good To Go

THE KEEP (1983) 96 Min. Rated R

Michael Mann’s The Keep has a troubled background. Cut down from well over two hours to ninety-six minutes by the studio, guaranteed that Mann had nothing good to say about the movie when it was finally released and, although it boasts some Grade A acting talent, (including Scott Glenn, Ian McKellen, Jurgen Prochnow and Gabriel Byrne) they weren’t the kinds of actors Johnny Carson would regularly seek out as guests for the Tonight Show. Therefore, the movie got no initial release buzz.

The Keep got a home video VHS release after its theatrical run. But, let’s face it, everything was on videotape in the first half of the eighties. After that, there was nothing when Laserdiscs, DVDs and Blu-Rays were king… at least not in the good ol’ U.S. of A. There has been home video and streaming releases in the new century. Alas, it was too late by then for a new generation to find much appreciation for it.

But there are many reasons to watch this one. Like just about everything else Michael Mann has directed, The Keep looks nothing like its contemporaries. The effects are top notch, as are the acting performances, and the music drives the film along like the best of Tangerine Dream’s scores. Now, thankfully, you can find it on disc on Amazon and even streaming in a few places.

Seek this one out, if you missed it, all these years. It’s well worth the watch.